Navigating the dysfunctional relationship between my daughter and her father has taught me more about emotional withdrawal, acceptance and the pain a parent can unknowingly cause a child. 

“He still hasn’t called mom”, she says with disappointment in her eyes. Her dad hasn’t spoken to her in over 30 days now, nor has he returned her messages. While this isn’t the first time this has happened (which was the beginning of the downfall in their relationship), it definitely has caused more damage this go around. She wants her dad. I begged her to unfollow him on IG because she sees him traveling all the time and partying and she can’t understand why he missed her basketball season and lacrosse season. And I don’t have a reason for her except “he loves you but he just isn’t capable.” Now keep in mind momma hasn’t missed a game but a girl wants her dad. And trust me. I get it. My dad was my world. (Not so great husband and boyfriend). But best dad ever. He could do no wrong in my eyes. We were extremely close and until his passing, I couldn’t fathom not talking with dad.

I’ve been learning more about emotional withdrawal as I work with at-risk girls who deal with all kinds of toxic parents or their parents aren’t present at all. Emotional withdrawal: refusing to engage in affection ; when an individual tries to control or domineer over another person by refusing to authentically communicate. This withdrawal in girls often leads to promiscuity and the search for love in all the wrong places. I think it’s important to call it exactly what it is.  It’s abusive behavior. It damages our kids and has them questioning if they are really loved. Our culture tends to pacify this behavior as if it’s not a big deal.  It is. 

So I tried to get them both to talk through counseling but her dad refused. His exact words were “I don’t need counseling from anybody. It’s not that deep.” But I guess I can understand why he feels that way. After all, I’m the only witness to her sadness and pain and feelings of unworthiness. So I listen to her talk, ask her how she feels, remind her over and over that her dad loves her but he just isn’t capable of showing up the way she wants him to. I have first hand experience with that. I haven’t verbally spoken to my mother in 11 years. Some of us in the family believe she suffers from a personality disorder that makes her completely irrational and destructive. Most of the family has to love her from a distance. She just isn’t capable. 

I don’t want this for my daughter though. I’d love to see her and her dad to reconnect stronger than ever.

I believe in restoration. But restoration would mean we are restoring something back to its original condition. What if it was never in good condition to begin with and maybe THAT is the issue. As kids get older they figure out things on their own, they ask lots of questions and they put together the pieces of the puzzle that they weren’t mature enough to connect when they were younger. 

Maybe what I desire most is repair. Repair: to fix or mend (a thing suffering from damage or a fault). I know because I’ve have had to repair my own damage with my daughter. Working crazy hours when she was younger, battling severe depression twice and not truly able to care for her like a mother should. Hmmmm. Well, maybe he is battling something too? I don’t know. Not sure if he has ever had a space to openly share and heal.  How do you heal when you aren’t self-aware enough to know you have a problem? But I do know this – to repair something we have to first admit that it’s broken, take accountability for the damage and gather the right tools to fix it. Repairing something takes effort. It takes work. Depending on how deep the damage is…it could take some time and our children are worth the time.  

All I can do now is continue to show this little girl that she is loved and she is worthy of unconditional love, she has support from great men I know and trust and some therapy/coaching will certainly need to happen soon (side note: the amount of teen counselors that are booked out for months in the city of Houston is unbelievable. Our kids are hurting.) 

If her dad never comes around, my daughter and I will walk through the healing process together and she will learn to be ok with it overtime. If her dad does decide to come around and is willing to do the work to repair their relationship, I’ll make sure she is equipped with the tools to express her feelings and forgive him.  

In the meantime, she has a Heavenly Father, an Everlasting father who has an unfailing love for His children. The Father to the fatherless. As we fall short on the earth as fathers (and mothers), God is a loving and caring Father who will not fail us and always has time for His children.