HOW DO YOU KNOW YOU ARE TRULY HEALED BEFORE STEPPING INTO A NEW RELATIONSHIP?

I ended an emotionally and mentally abusive relationship in 2010. I overcame a dark depression, committed to therapy for three years and just knew I was healed!  I spent another year to all to myself, no dating, and focused on transitioning to a new city, Houston. Life was great. My self-esteem was back. My job was amazing. I was making good money!

Then I met Jeremy. He was tall, dark and handsome. We met at a community event, and I thought he was the man of my dreams. After all, he was cute, passionate about changing the world and on fire for the Lord! One day at church, I heard Pastor John Gray say you will meet your spouse in your purpose and I held on to that. So, when we met while volunteering, I was confident he was THE ONE.

After “hanging out” with Jeremy for over a year, I tried to define our relationship. He quickly withdrew. “We aren’t dating. We’re good friends,” he said. I was taken aback by his lack of desire to be in a relationship. I mean, we were doing things people do in a relationship: going to church together, building intimacy, supporting each other. We held hands in public for goodness sake! Being in the public eye, everyone thought Jeremy was my bae. In my eyes, we were a couple. I hung in there hoping he would soon come around, see what a fantastic woman I am and commit. Didn’t happen.

I developed resentment that led to overwhelming feelings of low self-worth. I have felt this way before, with my ex. I must not be good enough to be in a relationship, I thought. My low self-esteem led to an epiphany: I was nothealed from my past. I wanted comfort and companionship so badly that I was willing to settle with a person who didn’t want commitment. Instead of taking heed, I lingered, wanting to win his love and beat the rejection.

One day, I was sitting in his car as he pumped gas and his phone was ringing non-stop. I could see the name pop up on his dashboard, but he would not answer. It was another woman. Immediately, I flashed back to a memory of the last time I was dating a guy, and he didn’t answer his phone.  My ex. The sociopath. My heart dropped, and all types of thoughts ran through my mind. Is this a “friend?” Maybe he has a girlfriend that I don’t know about. Time went on. When I asked him why he didn’t want to commit after almost two years, he said things were great as they were. Why would I want to mess that up? I finally gave up.

As an act of self-care, I created new boundaries to promote my healing and protect my heart. I required a commitment to accompany the access he was getting, and things came to a halt. It was so difficult because I cared for him deeply and enjoyed him. My pain taught me a valuable lesson: to value myself, my desires, and never, ever settle.